This seems like the only thing I can complain about. The one thing, of all things, that I can honestly say stings me to my ever so angsty core. How the hell do people have freinds? When I say friends, I don’t mean that person you have a casual conversation with because you have no one else to talk to. Not that odd locker neighbor that you’ve shared a laugh with here and there. Not your one time only lab parter. I mean a friend. That one freinds that you go to for everything and vise versa. The friend you’ve accidentally seen naked, but the two of you don’t care because you’re just that close. A best friend. Your best friend.
I can’t seem to make friends like the ‘normal’ high school student it’s like I’ve missed out on an important milestone that everyone has seemed to go through sooner rather than later. Even if later, they’ve still done it. Which leads me to the question of why haven’t I? Am I just that much of a contrast to everyone else? Am I simply repulsive? Am I mean, off putting, rude? Too quiet, too loud, too annoying? It just baffles me. What’s even more confusing is that even if I change myself physically and verbally (as in the way I talk, what I talk about, ect) I’m still rejected by the general public. So, maybe it’s just me as a whole, the normal me is too odd, and changing is just putting air freshener on trash. Was that a good analogy? Probably not.
My mom says that I’m just an enigma, and people aren’t ready to befriend someone as ‘different’ as me. Though I think she’s just sugar coating the obvious fact that I’m just not someone people what to be around.
Slowly, I’m starting to accept that fact.
One more thing that I question about how, if this fact is true, is why am I so repulsive? The only thing that could be considered ‘different’ about me is that I like guys as well as girls. I’d like to think that my generation is to a point to where my sexuality shouldn’t matter, but maybe it does? Otherwise I’m pretty ‘normal’. I’m like any other teenage boy. I’m lazy, love videogames, the idea of things being destroyed is very intriguing, I like climbing stuff, food is always an option…just ‘normal’ teen stuff I guess. I don’t know. Maybe what I consider normal isn’t normal anymore. Maybe just that different for thinking that I’m the same.
The reason this bothers me is when I walk through the tight halls of my school and see groups of people laughing with one another and just having a great time, or two friends that a quietly enjoying one another’s company, I get sad. Maybe it’s selfish to wonder why I don’t have what someone else does, but I fail to see why I shouldn’t. I just feel pathetic to put it simply. Felt like this for a while, though I am getting used to it…so there’s a positive I guess. I’m hoping that I’ll get to a point where I’ve accepted this fact, and become content with it. It’s a point in my life that I’m looking forward to.
I’ll just be that guy that immerses himself into work. I’ll get a good job, nice home, and maybe a dog or something. I’ll be financially stable and live a simple, safe life, and that’s fine. It sounds fine, enjoyable even. I just won’t have people around, but by then, I should be used to that.