Seriously. What the actual fuck? I’m not getting any better. Like at all. I’m still in the same black hole I was last year, only difference is, I’m better at fooling myself into thinking I’m “fixed”. Heh. You can’t fix me. No amount of prescription medication, or sessions with a trained psychologist can fix me. They can only temporarily delude me into thinking that I’m a new person, that I can overcome this disease. I can’t. I know I can’t. It’s just not fucking possible.
You want to know the irony in this entire situation? I do what’s “necessary” to make myself feel better like taking my drugs, seeing my therapist four times a week, “thinking positive”. Those are all suppose to make me overcome the many chemical imbalances in my head, but then when I come to this point, (the point in which I realize that it’s all bullshit) I can’t help but laugh at the fact that I feel worse knowing I’m doing all of this for nothing. Why can’t people just let me be miserable? It’s a lot better than pretending like I’m capable of being what you guys like to call happy. It’s just…I don’t know. It’s an unfair vicious cycle that I’m stuck in. Forever. Until I die anyway.